Why Doesn't It Feel Like I Belong in My Church?

Ever sat in church and still felt like an outsider? In this episode, we unpack why belonging can feel so hard, what might be underneath that tension (the answer may actually surprise you), and how faith was never meant to be lived alone. 

Transcript

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So, we have questions. But they're questions that you haven't asked. Because either they're uncomfortable or complicated or either just a little bit risky. Questions that most people don't ask because they just don't want to go there. But in this podcast, we do want to go there because we believe that our companies is ready to honest questions. We believe that every company has a lot of answers that are more for us than go for it. So in this podcast, we want you to bring your questions. Let's look at them together. Let's lead it. Let's go there. What's going on, land of podcasting, and welcome to another episode of Let's Go There. I'm your host, Ben Pookus, in the studio, as always, with Russell Williams. And so welcome to episode two. And the question that we're going to be diving in today is actually a question that I'm really excited about. And the question is, why doesn't it feel like I belong in the church? And there's a lot of reasons for this question. And so again, if you remember kind of the why behind this podcast is I sat with a lot of people and I was having one-on-one conversations, which is why this is how it is right now. It's me talking into a mic, looking into a camera, because I want us to feel like we're having a one-on-one conversation, like at a coffee shop or over lunch. And eventually we'll probably be able to invite some guests on and be able to bring in some people from other pastors from the community, maybe some people from the university here in town, Harding University, to be able to talk through these questions. And this is one of those questions that I really wish I could be sitting across the table from you. This is actually multiple people ask this questions in different ways and thank the Lord for Chat GPT and being like, what's the common theme behind this? But really what the theme is is belonging. And there's always a lot of different reasons why people feel like they don't belong in the church, which is why I wish I could be asking you questions. And when I was thinking about this in the conversations I've been able to have, and even the times in life where it's felt like I haven't belonged in the church, I think there's three main kind of categories as to why it doesn't feel like we belong in the body. The first one I think is the biggest one. It's the one that I would say most people struggle with, even when they do feel like they belong, and it's shame. And we feel heavy, we feel too messy, we feel too behind, we don't feel spiritual enough. And so what ends up happening is shame doesn't just lead us to feel insecure and small. What shame actually ends up doing is leading us to isolation and not using our gifts for the kingdom of God, not being involved in the body, because it's almost this sense of if they really knew who I was, they wouldn't love me, they wouldn't accept me, they wouldn't want me to be a volunteer, they wouldn't want me in their community group, they wouldn't trust me around their kids. And I'll tell you, shame rules people, whether they are on stages or listening on podcasts. I mean, shame is something that rules our church, it's something that rules the young. It's something that rules the old. It's something that if we don't fight against it, can dictate us because what shame does is shame isolates. And what shame does is the reason it isolates, is it shame takes I've done a bad thing to now I am a bad person. It's identity. I am somebody who is worthless, I am somebody who is hopeless, I am somebody who is helpless, I am a sinner. And so because of the shame that is ruling us, we don't feel like we can belong. And so shame is a big reason why it doesn't we don't get involved and we don't feel like we belong as a part of the body. The second reason is probably something that it's an answer that is true, but it's probably an answer that may hurt a little bit. I will say, as a pastor, I've been a pastor for 10 years now. I would say that this is a very common theme, and it's actually a theme that is growing in the church right now. The reason why it doesn't feel like you belong is it's not anyone's fault but your own. It's your lack of buy-in. Belonging happens when you're fulfilling your purpose. And I think, and we're gonna get into this and talking about what the purpose of the church is. I think we believe it's the church's job, it's the pastor's job, it's the elders' job to make me feel like I belong. And we're gonna get into that. It's not the church's job to make sure that you're belonging and participating and being a part of the body of Christ. It's your job, it's my job. We have all been given gifts by the Holy Spirit. We have all been commanded by God to not neglect the meeting together with one another, as is the habit of some, as it talks about in Hebrews chapter 10. We're called to do the one another's of scripture. We're called to be in the body as a body part, to be functioning, but so many times we don't do it because we're expecting somebody else to do the work for us. And when we hold ourselves back, when we hold our gifts back, when we hold our participation back, and we view the church through the lens of it being a consumeristic mentality. I go to church so I can be poured into, I go to church so I can be a better person, and it's all about you, it's all about me, then belonging isn't gonna happen. Purpose isn't going to be fulfilled, partnership with the Holy Spirit isn't gonna happen, community isn't happening in the one another's because what we're doing is we're so focused on ourselves when Jesus tells us to take up our cross daily and die to ourselves. And then the third kind of reason, so it's shame, it's you, it's me. But the third reason is sometimes you're a part of a church that isn't being the church. Sometimes you're a part of a church that isn't being the hands and feet of Jesus, isn't doing the things that God is commanding them to, and so fruit isn't happening, harvest isn't happening, you're not seeing participation with the Holy Spirit happening because the church is empowering Pew Sitters. And I want to say if you are a part of a church that does not act as the body of Christ, they fail to embody the the body of Christ well, then I want to encourage you. Like you may be trying to get involved. It doesn't matter how much you try to get involved, but it kind of is the top-down approach. Like if the leadership and the core of that church is not a leadership and core that you feel like you can follow, then I really want to encourage you to leave that church. Leave the church that is not being the hands and feet of Jesus because the church is to equip the saints for the work of the ministry. If that church is not equipping you and setting you up to do the work of the ministry, then you need to find some church that will do that. But here's the thing that we need to understand is whether you feel like you're part of the body or not. Like our world is ruled by feelings right now. I don't feel like I belong, so therefore I don't belong. Feelings don't dictate reality. Like something we need to understand. Feelings are important. We need to focus on them. We need to let it guide us, but we don't let it need to let it become our reality. So you may feel like you don't belong in the body of Christ, but what we need to understand is whether you feel it or not, if you are a believer, if you have put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ and you have been given the Holy Spirit, then automatically in that moment of your faith, when the eyes of your heart were opened, you immediately became a part of the body of Christ. You have been given gifts, and now Jesus is like, I'm the head, you're my body. And so you're an elbow, this person over here is a knuckle, this person over here is a mouthpiece, this person over here is an eye, this person over here is a hand. And so what we are all doing is whether you believe it or not, you are a part of the body of Christ. Because what the church really is, is the church is the expression, a local expression of the body of Christ. And so I'm a pastor at Fellowship Bible Church here in Cersei, Arkansas. And so what we are is a local embodiment of the Big C church. And so I think in Cersei, Arkansas, there's like 87 different churches. Fellowship is one of the 87 local embodiments of the body of Christ. And so when you go to a church, when you put your faith in Jesus, what you are saying is I'm signing myself up to be a part of a church. So if you come to fellowship, you are saying I'm a part of Fellowship Bible Church of that local body, and I'm participating in the Big C church at fellowship. And what's so cool is the big sea church isn't just in the city that you're in, the big sea church is all over the world. The big sea church also is constructed by people who have already died. Like Christ is the foundation, and all of the apostles and the prophets and the people have built on this structure. Like we are not alone, we are not in isolation. And so we can feel like we're not a part of the body of Christ, but that doesn't change the reality that we are in fact a part of the body. Spiritually, you are already inside of it. And and something I want to talk about, we already mentioned it, is I want to give some hard truth. And I want you to know that I'm gonna say this with love. I don't say this with with throwing guilt onto you, I don't say this as you better be better. But I would say, it's hard to say, but it's true. I have never had a conversation with somebody but in ministry 10 years, so I haven't been in long, like some people have. I've never had a conversation with somebody who said, I don't feel like I am a part of this. I don't belong when they are participating and they're an active part. The people that I hear that do not feel a part of the body and feel ignored are the people that treat the church as the vessel that makes them better. The church, less of the only hope of the world that Jesus created the church to be and more of the self-help book to make me a better person. Y'all, something we need to understand. The church is not here to make you a better person. The church isn't here to just better your marriage. The church isn't just here to get you out of that addiction. The church's purpose is in Ephesians chapter 4, and it's found in verse 12. It's to equip the saints for the work of the ministry. What we need to understand about the church is the church is not a finish line. We don't get done with Sunday, and at fellowship, we always say the same phrase, have a great week of worship. And the reason we say that is we're trying to empower our people to realize that this is not a finish line. You're not done following Jesus now until you show up to church the next week. The church is not a finish line, it's a start line. Like we have just been encouraged. Now go run the race. Like worship isn't just the things that you do when you sing songs and you listen to someone preach on stage. Like what worship is, is the daily life. Like it's what we do from the time we say, have a great week of worship to the next week where we say, Hey, welcome, fellowship. Let's stand in worship. The church is job, it's like this church leaders' conference that encourages people, that makes people feel excited about the kingdom of God, that teaches people something about the kingdom of God, and then says, Now go, be a dangerous weapon for his kingdom everywhere you go. Because the reality is, is God has given each and every one of us. It doesn't matter how old you are, it doesn't matter how young you are, it doesn't matter what your resume is, your past is, your reputation is. God has given each and every one of us talents, gifts, and resources that we don't use to better ourselves, we use to bring the kingdom of God to earth as it is in heaven. We say a phrase here at Fellowship, God, would you bring your kingdom to Cersei as it is in heaven? And the way that God does that is he doesn't do it through just the pastoral staff at your church. God in his infinite wisdom and his beauty gave you gifts, gave you resources so that you can be a part of bringing the kingdom of God to Circe or to your church or to your city, to your place as it is in heaven. And I believe one of the things that is choking our church out in the world that we're living in today are passive Christians. Our Christians that are not viewing themselves as dangerous weapons for the kingdom of God. Our Christians that are showing up on a Sunday morning, they're sitting in a seat, they're going through the motions, they're singing the songs, they're listening to passage, they may or listening to the word of God being preached over them. They may even be taking notes into it. They may even be raising their hands. And then they leave church, they check that off their box for the week. Like I did the Jesus thing, and then they don't do a thing after that, and then they come back to church the next week to better themselves. That's not the purpose. And I will tell you that the people that I have run into that have not felt like they belonged, that didn't really feel like fellowship was for them, are the people that showed up and it was all about them. There's someone that, you know, I got to talk to, and in it was a couple years a few years ago, and and they were saying, you know, hey, I just feel like this church may not be for me. I've been coming for two years, nobody talks to me, nobody loves me. I sit in the same seat every single week. I say hi to people in meet and greet. They're talking about how much they hated meet and greet, which I get introverts hate meet and greet at churches. And they were very frustrated and basically saying, I cannot believe that you feel like you're doing anything for the kingdom of God because people like me aren't feeling loved. And I'm like trying to figure out a way to talk to this person. Because let me be honest, as they're having this conversation with me, I'm realizing you're not in community, you're not serving, you're not engaging with anybody. And so I asked this person, I said, Hey, like when you show up to church on a Sunday morning, do you do you show up going, hey, where are the people that I can love? Where are they? Or do you show up to church saying, hey, like, come love me, I'm over here? Because I said, let me be honest with you. Like, I believe in the kingdom of God. The kind of people that God has made us to be are not the here I am kind of people. Like, here I am, love me, pour into me. It's all about me. I'm this consumer and I'm trying to suck all the energy out of people and I'm trying to get all of the good feelings and I'm trying to feel good about myself. Like those kind of people, like that's not the kind of people that Jesus created us to be. That's not that kind of person Jesus was, that's for sure. He didn't show up and say, Everyone just needs to love me. He showed up and said, I'm gonna love as many people as I possibly can because it's not about me, because Jesus did not create us as the body of Christ to be here I am kind of people. He created us to be there you are kind of people. Where we show up on a Sunday, whether it's our job, our volunteer job or not, whether we have a lanyard or a name tag on our body or not, it's our job to show up and say, Jesus, will you just point me in the direction of the people that you want me to love? And I believe when we show up as the body of Christ and it's selfless, it's not about us, it's about loving other people, and it's about getting ourselves involved. We'll feel as if we belong. You know, and and college students, to talk to you for a second. I I think there's this kind of mentality because of how social media is today. I mean, this is this podcast. You are listening one-on-one and you're bettering yourself. I want to pray in this podcast that this podcast doesn't make you feel good about yourself and you're like, I did the thing, check. What I pray that this podcast does for everyone that listens, whether you're in college or not, but specifically to the college students, is that it leads you to get out of your seat. It leads you to stand up and say, enough is enough. I I just actually had a conversation with someone who's been at our church for two months, and we were talking about this podcast, and they're kind of talking like, what direction are you gonna go? And I was just talking about, hey, I feel like most of the time the reason you feel like you don't belong in the church is not the church's fault, it's your fault. Because if you put the time and the effort in, like it becomes the thing. And she said, I'm a living proof of that, Ben. I just moved here from Houston, Texas, and I didn't know a soul when I moved here, and I've only been here for two or two and a half months, maybe not even that long. And I have dedicated myself to finding community and finding places where I know that I can serve. I I went to the children's pastor at your church. I said, How can I serve? It's been two months, and I already feel a part of the body. Because hear me say this the church's job, it's gonna be hard to hear because it's so against our culture. The church's job is not to plug you into a community group. You know, there's a guy, and I know I'm using lots of examples, but there's a guy I was talking to about community, and I asked him if he was in a community group, and he said, No. I said, Why? He said, Ben, because you haven't asked me to be in one. I was like, dude, I'm I'm not it's not my job to ask you to be in a community group. It's your job to find community. It's your job as a believer. And you know what? I want to create opportunities. There are community groups here at our church, but do you think Paul, when he was doing his thing with the churches, like there was not a community groups pastor in the first century church. There was Paul was saying, do community with people. And I don't know what that's gonna look like, but you need to figure out ways that you need to do that. And people found ways to do that because if it's important enough to you, you do it. It's not the church's job to plug you into serving, it's not the church's job to get you in a community group, it's the church's job to equip you to be able to do those things. So you may say, Well, my church isn't talking to me about community, isn't encouraging me specifically to get in a community group. My advice is to get out of yourself and to go find a bunch of people to do community with. Maybe when meet and greet comes along, right? You don't say hi to the people around you that you know, you find people that you don't know and you introduce yourself to them. You take them to lunch afterwards, you have coffee with them during the week, and you're like, man, like I wanna I wanna link my arm with you. You love Jesus and you make me want to love Jesus more. Do you want to meet? Do you can I do you are you in a community group? You are, can I join yours? You're not in a community group. What if we created one? And what if we just told our church, hey, we're creating a new community group? And so if you we need some help with it, can you give us some curriculum? Or we're just gonna let you know we're meeting on Sunday night. So if anyone else wants to join a community group, we have some space for that. Like, that is what the church is all about. It's our job individually to show up to church and to say, I want to serve, I want to be in community, I want to use my gifts for the kingdom of God. Like, if we did that as a body, to go, you know what, I'm a part of the body of Christ, whether I feel it or not. And so what I encourage people to do is I encourage people, hey, in order to get involved, like what if you just went all in? Like, find a church, don't church hop. Find a church that is not perfect, there is none. I can assure you of that being on a church staff. Find a church that is the closest thing that you believe is to the church that God wants it to be, and then don't criticize it, but dedicate your life to it. Be all in on it, plant your roots deep in it, spend your free time with it because here's the reality. Every single one of us, you, me, Russ behind the camera, one day we're going to be face to face with the God of the universe. The God that not only saved us from our sin by dying on that cross and rising again three days later, but that God, in whatever reason, sovereignly, supernaturally gave you gifts, gave you talents. When we go see him face to face, he's going to look at us and he's gonna say, What did you do with the gifts that I gave you? You know, there's the parable of the talents. And he gave five talents to one person, two talents to another person, and one talent to the other. The the people with the five and two talents, they went out and they invested that money that the their master gave them. And the person with the one talent buried it. And the master comes back and he goes, Hey, what'd you do with my talents? The guy with the five is like, Well, my five became ten, and the guy with the two says, My two became four. And the master's like, Well done, my good and faithful servant. Like, you did what I asked you to do. You took risks, but you used your gifts. And then he goes to the guy with the one. He says, What'd you do with my talent that I gave you, with the money that I gave you? He's like, Well, Master, I was afraid of losing it, and I know that you're a harsh man, and so what I did is I buried it, and so here's your one. He's like, You buried it? And he throws them in outside of his kingdom and says, You don't belong here. That's not what this is for. And I'm afraid so many people, whether it's shame or whether it's the church that they're in, or maybe it's the faithfulness that they have, there are so many people that bury the gifts that God has given them. And the Bible talks about that in, I think it's in 1 Corinthians 4 or 2 Corinthians 4. He he talks about that one day, like all of our works are gonna pass through fire. And some of those works are gonna be jewels and gold, and it'll pass through the flame, and you'll be able to inherit it in eternal life. But so many of our works will be like wood and haw or hay and straw, and it's just gonna be burned up. And he says there's a lot of people where all of their works are gonna be burned up, but they escape the flame of hell. The goal of us as believers is not just to escape the flame of hell, it's not just a get out of hell free card. The goal of us as believers and the mission that God has given us is I am saving you from your sin. Now go into the world and preach the gospel to every creature. Be my hands and feet. Like, go bring the message of the gospel to the lost. I'm gonna give you gifts so that you can partner with me. Like, and so what I need us to understand as we're wrapping up this episode about talking about belonging is so many of us don't feel like we belong, not because it's the church's job, not because God has turned his back on you, but so many of us feel like we don't belong because we're not doing anything. We're not being faithful with the gifts that God has given us. And so you may be listening to this podcast and you're 12 years old, you're 14 years old. You have as much of the Holy Spirit as I do. I have as much of the Holy Spirit as the Matt Chandlers and the Jonathan Paklutas of the world have. And so, what we're called to do with that full measure of the Holy Spirit and the power of the Holy Spirit is we get to partner with the God of the universe to be dangerous weapons for the kingdom of God as we pray. That God's kingdom comes to earth as it is in heaven. We show up to church not trying to have people love us, not this consumeristic mentality, but a contributing mentality that I'm showing up to church and I'm finding people to love. I'm sitting in different sections so I can love different people and I can talk to different people and I can invite those different people to lunch. I'm finding ministries that I can devote my life to. I want to disciple students, I want to disciple children. Russ, I mean, what a beautiful example. Russ will never be on stage. He doesn't want it. The guy is unbelievably talented in the tech world. When I brought to him this idea of the podcast, he prayed about it and then he was all in. And I will tell you, when Russ and I get to heaven, whether this podcast, three people listening to it, and two of those people are Russ's mom and my mom, whether it's a dud or it's super successful, God's gonna look at both Russ and I. And he's gonna say, Well done, my good and faithful servants. So what are your gifts? Because I can you imagine what our church would look like when everyone that has given their life over to Jesus is all in for the kingdom of God? Can you imagine if people showed up to church not to just be loved, but to love? Can you imagine what the church would look like when people show up and try to outdo one another with love and good works like Paul tells us that we should? We're in community with each other, we're fighting sin with each other, we're eating meals with each other, we're breaking bread with each other. And do you know what I believe will happen if the church did that? Where it wasn't a mirror but a window looking into the world? Revival comes, my people. That's what happened in Acts chapter 2. They were devoting themselves daily to doing life with each other. They were giving to the poor, they were serving and they were using their gifts. And it says that God added to their number day by day. Y'all, in Cersei, Arkansas, there are 11,000 people right now that do not know Jesus. In this moment, right now, they are dying and going to hell. There is too much at stake. There's too much urgency for us just to show up and make it all about ourselves. The question we need to be asking is I have a contribution to make, so where am I gonna serve? I have a life that I need to live. It doesn't need to be done in isolation. Who am I going to do life with? And so if you're asking practical steps, man, devote your entire life to the church that you're in. And if you're in college and you're just gonna be there for four years, dedicate your entire four years to finding a church and sinking your teeth deeply and getting your roots deep into that place. Because when you use your gifts and you get involved in community and you do the things that God asks you to do, you fulfill your purpose, you find contentment, you find fulfillment in the gifts you have, and guess what? You find belonging. And not only do you get to be a dangerous weapon for the kingdom of God, not only do you get to reap fruit because of your faithfulness, but you will see fruit within yourself as well. We have to stop sitting on the sidelines. We need to stop killing our belonging because I will tell you, the people I talk to that are all in for the kingdom of God and they're serving and they're and they're saying, It's my responsibility to belong, they always and forever belong. So imagine coming to a place where it's not about me, coming to a place where we say my gifts are for the kingdom of God. And I believe that if we do that, if we go all in for the kingdom of God, not only will the gates of hell not be able to stand against us, but I believe the kingdom of God will come to earth as it is in heaven. And so that is the end of this episode. We appreciate you guys tuning in. And so, man, we want to encourage you guys to get involved. We'd love for you to tune in tomorrow, or episode three is gonna be a big one. It's gonna be Does God still love me when I keep messing up? We love you guys. We're thankful for you guys. And so we'll talk to you tomorrow or the next time you tune in. Does God still love me when I keep messing up? Pukius out.