How Far Is Too Far in Dating?

Everyone wants to know where the line is, but what if we’ve been asking the wrong question? In this episode, we unpack boundaries in dating—why they matter, what they protect, and how to approach relationships with both honesty and intention.

Transcript

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So, we have questions. But they're questions that you haven't asked. Because either they're going to be comfortable or complicated or just a little bit risky. Questions that most people don't ask. They just don't want to go there. But in this podcast, we do want to go there. Because we believe that our list is really hard as questions. We believe that our answers that are the questions that go for me. So in this podcast, we want you to be good questions. Let's look at them together. Let's leave it.

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Let's go there.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

What's going on, Land of Podcasting, and welcome to Let's Go There. Russ, we are now on episode five. People didn't believe in us, but here we are. Even our own parents didn't believe in us, Russ, but we did it. And so this is actually the first episode that we've recorded with it being out. And the feedback that we're getting from you guys is is encouraging to Russ and myself that people are being encouraged by it. And so, man, we're excited. And so, as we want to talk about every once in a while, if you can now at this point, Apple Podcasts is live, our Spotify is live. We have it on Amazon Music, we have it on YouTube. If you go to our website, which hopefully you can see you have all the links, would you just be able to subscribe to those things? And if you subscribe to them every time a new episode drops, it'll be able to show up in your feed. But not only that, would you also just be able to share it with your friends? Uh we're going to be posting some Instagram videos here in the next week. If you could share those things, we just want this into the hands of as many people as possible because we believe in this podcast that honest questions deserve honest answers. Well, if we haven't been able to meet, my name is Ben Pucas, and I'm the host of this podcast, and I'm joined as always with Russ the Bus Williams. Everyone, let's hop on the Russ bus, is what everyone says. That's what all his friends keep saying. He's laughing and shaking his head. I don't think any of his friends have ever said that. Uh, but this episode today, we're super excited for it. We're going to be talking about dating. And so I know a lot of times people ask, Ben, why are you doing an episode on dating? Aren't you single? And the answer is yes, I am single. I am not married. But I think it's funny that a lot of times we ask people that are married to give advice about dating. And whenever I've done that, I've always had my married friends say, Why are you asking me this? I haven't dated in 16 years. Well, I am 30 years old and I am uh not married, which means that I have done a lot of dating and I have done it wrong a lot. And so I've done it a lot of ways of how not to do it. And so I'm excited to be able to talk about those ways to be able to help people understand how to date. But specifically within this, we're going to be talking about boundaries in dating. And the question that we're going to be answering is how do I set boundaries in dating? And so I just want to give a disclaimer right now. We're only a couple minutes into this episode, that this episode is not for kids. And so if you are a parent listening to this with your kid, we want to encourage you to either shut it off or just know that there are going to be some honest conversations about physical boundaries in dating. And so this is not going to be something for kids. Uh, but I also want to set the tone here that most people listening to this podcast, if you ever have dated, most of us haven't done it right all of the time. And what I want to let us know is that as we're speaking truth, that God is a God of truth. He doesn't just have truth, he is truth. That as we share truth, we also need to understand that God is also a God that is compassionate and kind and abounding in steadfast love. He's a God full of grace and truth. And so if you have dated wrong, you're looking at one of the chief of sinners right here. If you have dated wrong, the goal of this is not to heap shame. That shame has been taken care of on the cross, my people. The goal of this is to provide truth so that we can live holy lives, so that we can live the radical lives of what it means to take up our cross daily to follow Jesus, not just at church, not just in Bible studies, not just in the way we love our families or our neighbors or our roommates, but to love people that we date. Because in order to be radical, we have to be radical in everything that we do. And again, as I've said this, I just want to set the tone too. I haven't done this right a lot. And so this isn't me sharing, I've done it right. I know everything. Man, this is one of the things I've struggled with the most in my life. And so I'm sharing this at a as in a heart of I'm doing this with you guys. I'm trying to figure it out with you guys. I'm just trying to figure out how I can honor my Jesus in every area of my life, including my dating life. And so this question we're asking is how do I set boundaries in dating? And I think one of the questions that one of the ways that people ask the question is, how far is too far? Or, hey, I'm trying to love my girlfriend or love my boyfriend well. Where is the line? I like, and we're wanting to know where the line is because I think the reality is that 90 to 95% of that question for all of us comes from a really good place. We want to date well, we want to honor Jesus, but we also want to find intimacy and we don't want to sin. We don't want to continue to invite death into our lives so that we can invite death into our relationship. And so 90 to 95% of the question is a really good question because it comes from a desire to honor Jesus and to honor the people that we're dating and to honor ourselves because we know that sexual sin, that it's not only a sin against somebody else, it's a sin against our own bodies as well. And it's but the Bible is very clear about sexual sin and that it is as a lot of consequences and ramifications if we do not get it right. So I think the question is great. I think I love the fact that we're asking the question, but there's that five to 10% aspect that I do not think comes from a holy place. Because really what we're asking is, I believe we're asking the wrong question. We ask in that, how far is too far and where is the line? And instead of asking, where's the line, instead of saying, how much can I do until it gets to sin, we have to understand that's not holiness. Holiness isn't getting as close as we possibly can to sin and then just not sinning. Because when you think about it, the question that really we should be asking is not where's the line? It's how do I be holy? How do I honor God in mind, in body, in spirit while I'm dating somebody? Because when you see sin talked about in scripture, you don't see it talking about, hey, just manage your sin. Just do all that you can to make sure that you're not doing really big sins. Just do all that you can to try not to sin. And if you do sin, it's okay. Like the Bible's very clear about the theology of sin, and we've already talked about this on the podcast, and we're gonna continue to talk about this theology of sin, that sin is death. And so when the Bible talks about sin, you don't see it ranking sins. You also don't see it saying, hey, get as close to the line as you can and manage it. When you see sin, especially sexual sin in this case, you see things like flee from sin, run as fast as you can away from it. You see things like put to death the desires of the flesh that wage war against your soul. You see, cut the hand off, gouge the eye out. You never see just try really hard. You say do everything you can to put to death the sin that so easily entangles you. So you don't see Jesus saying, run to the line. You say you see Jesus say, run towards righteousness, flee sexual sin, put to death, cut it off. And what we need to understand is that Jesus didn't set us free from sin just so we can get as close as we possibly can to it, because that's the opposite of redemption. When you think about redemption, I always like to use the example of the Israelites. So this word redemption means to like take out of, take out of oppression and lead to life. And and when you look at the Israelites' example, I think it's a really good example because that's the definition of redemption. Like if you look at if I would give a key word for the book of Exodus, it's redemption. You see, the Israelites were slaves in bondage for over 400 years to the Egyptians, and so they were in oppression. And what Jesus did or what God did is that he sent uh his spirit to Moses to then set free the Israelites from the Egyptians. So through the man Moses, God set his people free. But that wasn't the end of redeeming them. He wasn't just taking them out of Egypt and then saying, All right, next time you guys get in oppression, just come find me and we'll I'll I'll make sure I've set you free. You don't see that at all. What you see is God sets them free from their captors, God sets them free from their sin, from their death. And then this is the key. He leads them to life. He the pillar of fire at night and the cloud by day doesn't stop when they cross the Red Sea. It stops when they get into the promised land because that's the idea of redemption. It's not just leaving sin, it's being led into life. And and what redemption is when it comes to sin is it's not just turning away from the old master that wanted to steal, kill, and destroy us. The goal of it is to leave the old master and then run as fast as we can to the new master that left the 99 to find us. And what we need to understand about those masters is they're not hanging out in the same household, they're not hanging out in the same country. You cannot pursue the old master and continue to be on the path of pursuing the new master. What we need to understand is that the new master that left the 99, and it's not just a little M master, it's the capital M master that pursued us and loved us. He's in the opposite direction of the old master. And so when we're asking this question, I need us to understand where's the line? That's essentially like the Israelites saying, Hey, God, thank you for setting us free from our captors, thank you for setting us free from Egypt. How close can we get to Egypt so that we're not enslaved by them? Is it this close? All right, that's fine. That wasn't bad. Pharaoh didn't come after us. Is it this close? All right, that's fine. Pharaoh didn't come after us. Because that right there is not freedom. That right there, in my opinion, is slavery with extra steps. Because that word slavery, that's a big word. That word slavery, like we have slavery embedded into our DNA. And have we been made new creatures that for those that love God, for those that have called upon his name, for those that he has saved through his grace by faith, do we have new identities? Absolutely, we have new identities. But what we need to understand until we see Jesus face to face, and after we die and we have glorified bodies, we will still have our flesh that's a part of us. And our old identity, the one that we were buried with. When we think about baptism, like that's this beautiful sign, it's this outward sign of something that happened within. Old Ben got baptized, got killed, crucified with Christ. And the new Ben, the not just a new personality, the new identity Ben rose again. But there still is that old identity in me. And that old identity in us is the identity that wants to run back to slavery. I mean, look at the Israelites. I mean, it is crazy to me. Dare I even say asinine to me that the Israelites, they're in the wilderness. They saw the ten plagues, they saw the Red Sea parted, they saw bread. This is crazy. Millions of them. Bread on the ground every day for them to eat. Quail dropping from the sky. They have no weapons, they've never been to war, they don't know how to hunt, they've been slaves their whole lives, and they've seen all these miraculous things, and then it gets hard. And what do they want? They say, Forget you, Moses. You should have just left us in Egypt. We should just go back. Because that is our hearts. Even though that Egypt has chains, even though Egypt has oppression written all over it. So many of us want to go back to our old life so bad that we're okay with that comfortability of the old life, even if it means that we're wrapped in chains. I believe asking the question is how far is too far and where's the line, again, has so much holiness in it. But I think a little bit of our flesh and a little bit of our old identity is wrapped up in that question because we want to hang around our old master because it's comfortable to us. And what we need to understand is we cannot serve two masters. You can only serve one. And by asking the question, how far is too far? I do not think that has a root of holiness written all over it. I believe that has the root of sin because we want to straddle the line. We want one foot following Jesus and one foot following the world. And so we're constantly trying to figure out where that is. And I think the sin in it is not the things that we do. I do believe there are things that we do that you can sin, but I think that question itself can be sinful because we're just trying to see how close to Pharaoh we can get until he enslaves us again. And I will say this, listen to me. I'm saying this out of experience. Not I heard someone and I had a friend. No, this is this is Ben Puka's talking real for a second. I have so often asked that question and gotten really close to the line and shraddle the line, and I shraddle the line a lot of times really well. But I will tell you, if you shraddle the line from experience, do not be surprised when you find yourself in Egypt again. And so I think what we need to understand is that Jesus didn't set us free so we can get as close to sin as we can possibly can without sinning. That's not life. That's death. Jesus set us free so that we could have life and have it to the full. And life to the full isn't at the line, life to the full is found and running as fast as we can away from the line. But I'll say dating, though. Like I think there's so much grace in dating because dating is not created by God. Like that I now do I think dating is wrong. No, I date. I think dating is fine. But when we find things that were not, institutions specifically like dating, when we find that they are not created by God, then there is a reality that that right there has been distorted by Satan. I believe Satan has taken a really good thing and he has distorted it to try to steal, kill, and destroy us and to rob us from the joy. And no, I don't think it's since it I don't think it's sinful at all, but I think it's a human system in a fallen world, which means it is easy then for the devil that while we are practicing this thing called dating to destroy us. And so the enemy's strategy is to make sin and to make things that are sinful and make things that are separating from God, make it seem so harmless because everybody else is doing it. And there is a major cost in getting this wrong. Like, and I need to understand, again, there's so much grace. And so if you have made mistakes, if you're making mistakes right now, there is grace. Like repent. Like Jesus is always inviting us repent, repent, repent, leave the old life. You can leave the old master. I have left the 99 so that I could find you. The invitation to my table is always open, but there are drastic consequences for getting it wrong. And I believe dating is so distorted by Satan and it's so unnatural because God created this marriage, this beautiful symmetry between two people where they become one flesh. God has created our bodies to long for that person. And it's in so many different ways. It's in this physical intimacy that we find that there's a connection that forms for people who are physically intimate with each other. There are things, and it's super scientific. And with the time that we have, I can't really specifically go into it. If you want to do research into it, it's crazy. But when you become one with someone, when you lay with someone, or even do things that man, married people are supposed to be doing, and there are things in your brain that fire, things like oxytocin, which is called the bonding chemical. There are things like high rushes of dopamine, which is this really happy, excited, elated kind of chemical that can make you feel all these great feelings. Literally, God created us to be physical beings that when we do the things He created us to do within a loving union of a husband and wife, you legitimately fall more in love and feel more connected and feel more bonded to your partner. And the reason why I think it's so dangerous to date in this world, especially the way the world does. And the reason why I think it's so dangerous to say, where's the line? is I think we're flirting with the creation of God that we were not supposed to flirt with outside the confines of marriage. I think that's why breakups can be so hard. I think breakups can be hard because there's this there's this oneness that is becoming, there's flesh that is starting to become one. And so legitimately what's happening is these people are becoming one. They're being connected in ways that no outside of any marriage, no human being should have ever been connected in that way. And then all of a sudden you break up and there's this tearing, and it hurts and it's painful. That's like by itself, no heart breaks like a broken heart. But when we start adding all of those things together, it's so unnatural and it hurts because it was never supposed to be this way. There's tearing that of flesh that was bonded. Now, does that mean that you're chewed bubblegum? Does that mean that you're done just because you did those things? Absolutely not. Like, I hate those sermons. I actually hate them. I I want to throw up every time I hear them. Like, you know, where they put the two pieces of duct tape together, and they're like, This is what happens when you have sex outside of marriage. And then they put the duct tape together, then they rip it, and it's like, and I had someone do that one time and he ripped it, and nothing was back the way it was. And he goes, Who would ever want to use this piece of duct tape again? And no one raised their hand, and he goes, This is you when you live in sin and dating. And I just I was in high school when I heard it, and I was like, I'll fight this man, dude. Like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Listen to me, that's not the reality either. Can there be healing and can there be redemption? Yes, there can, but that's why it hurts so much. And so I think we're gonna talk about the will of God next week, which I'm super excited about. But I want to touch on that for a second because we are always asking ourselves the question who are we supposed to date? How far is too far? And I think that God of the universe, I think there is certain people that God wants us to date. Like, don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers. That's a huge one. But I think there are thousands and thousands and tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people in this world that we could date and marry and we could be within the will of God. Because I don't think God is worried so much about who we're going to date. I think what God is most worried about and most concerned about is how we are going to date. Because what we need to understand is we can still date the right, the right person in the wrong way, and it will, because sin steals, kills, and destroys anyone in any relationship. It destroys this vertical relationship between us and God, not in the way that we're gonna lose our salvation, but it destroys the intimacy that we have with him. And not only does it destroy the intimacy we have with him, it destroys the intimacy we have with other people. And so I think so many of us are dating the right person, but we're breaking up left and right because we're not doing it in the way that God designed us to do it. So I believe it is possible to date within the confines of being within the will of God. But listen to me when I say this. It has to be done radically. You see, Jesus, when he talks about following him, he doesn't say just follow me and it's going to be a fun time. Follow me and it's gonna be like going to Disney World every single day of your life. No, the way that Jesus says follow me is crazy. Like, think of all of the ways Jesus invites people to follow him. Take up your cross, which before, like the cross to us is like, cool, we wear it around our necks. The cross is a torture device. Jesus hadn't died yet when he said this. Take up your torture device every single day and follow me. Unless you are willing to hate your father and mother and brother and sisters and your friends for the kingdom of God, you cannot be my disciples. What Jesus is saying is not it's going to be easy. What he's actually saying, in fact, is the opposite. It's going to be incredibly hard. Going against the world and going against the distortion that the enemy has created and all of the factions and institutions that he's done it in will never be easy. But I will tell you, when we do it within the will of God, it's going to be hard, it's going to be radical, it's going to cost us. But let me tell you, people, it will be so worth it. Because following Jesus whenever and however we do it, whether it leads to a prison cell or leads to you sitting at a table doing a podcast, being within the will of God is the greatest place we can be. So when we're asking ourselves the question, where's the line? I think we're asking the wrong question. I think the question that we need to be asking is what in this relationship will draw me closer to Jesus. And I'll tell you, it's convicting. Because again, dating's unnatural. There's this natural desire for us to want to be intimate, physically intimate with the people we're dating. But remember, we've taken it outside of the design of God. Dating was not created by God, but we can still do it well, but it's going to have to look different. We have to be asking ourselves, in this dating relationship, am I becoming more of an effective disciple for Jesus, or am I becoming less effective? Am I looking more like the man and the woman that God created me to be in the way that he created me to be that way? Or am I looking more like the world and the way that the world expects me to be and live and act? When we listen to me, I know what's happening right now. You're I'm rolling my eyes at myself. I'm like, that's crazy. That's like, Ben, you sound 150 years old. Like, were you around in like arranged marriage days? And the answer is no, I'm 30. I've lived in the dating culture my entire life. But I will tell you, it has to look different. We have to set boundaries in the way that continue to enforce us looking more like Jesus. And I believe when we date, the question we need to be asking is not how far is too far and where's the line. I think the question we need to be asking is Jesus, God, the Father. Am dating one of your children. For guys, I am dating one of your daughters. For girls, I am dating one of your sons. And I think the question that we need to be asking ourselves is this one, and it's very simple. And it's this how can I, in this relationship, leave this person better than I found them? Because here's the deal there's two literally two roads you can go down in dating. You either break up or you get married. And it's very simple, and let me tell you, it's also very complicated in the middle of that till you get to that fork in the road. But there is a day coming where every single one of us, Russ, is married to his beautiful wife, Emily, and she's awesome. They dated, they got married, they're now one flesh. There's a day coming when Russ is going to see God face to face, and God's going to say, How did you treat my daughter? I gave you one of my most valuable resources in my daughter. How'd you treat her? Did you leave her better than when you found her? So there's that aspect. But then there's also the aspect over here that it could end in a breakup. When you see God face to face one day and it was a breakup, will you be able to look at God and say, I left your daughter better than I found her? I loved her, I treated her with honor, I treated her with respect, I wasn't pushing boundaries and Jesus like I didn't do everything perfectly. But I I believe like I I left her better than I found her. Now that right there sounds radical to me. Do we live our lives like that? And I don't think we do. Because if I'm honest, the way I look at breakups in my life, the way I look at breakups in other people's lives in the church, it's less of I left her better than I found her. And it's more of when we look in the rearview mirror of our lives, it's more like a 15-car pile-up on the interstate. Y'all, no matter what, no matter who, no matter how, that is not holiness and that is not righteousness for us to see a 15-car pile-up because of the mess that we made. Now, is that the result of sin? Absolutely, it's the result of sin. And can it be redeemed? Absolutely, it can be redeemed. But just because something can be redeemed doesn't mean that we don't follow righteousness now. Just because we believe that God is going to forgive us doesn't mean we just do whatever we want now. Shall we continue to sin that may that knowing that grace may abound? By no means. What we need to do and what we need to understand is dating in this culture, it will be hard. And I think we need to stop asking the question, where's the line? And we need to start asking the question is what can I do today in this relationship that will make me and this person that I'm dating love Jesus more? How do we do that? It's done radically, and I'm I'm not even here to tell you this is what you need to do. What I'm here to tell you is do not pursue the line. Do not pursue getting as close to Pharaoh as you possibly can before Pharaoh comes over and enslaves you again. Because if you do that, I promise you, I promise you, you will end up in Egypt again. So don't go near the line, run as far away as you can from the line, but don't just run from the line. Listen to this, this is redemption. Don't just run away from the line, run as hard as you can after Jesus. Because he's 180 degrees in the other direction, and where he is, there is life. And so, just to close and just to remind us, if you've crossed lines, Jesus still loves you. There's grace, there's redemption, and listen to me, that shame and that sin was put on the shoulders of your Jesus. But the invitation that he's giving you now is it doesn't always have to be this way. But there's still a standard that he expects us to live in, not because he's trying to steal, kill, and destroy, but he's trying to keep us from the enemy who does. So the final thought is don't ask how close you can get to sin. Ask how close you can get to Jesus. So that's the end of episode five. Next week, we're going to be talking about, we kind of mentioned it a little bit in this episode, we're going to be talking about the will of God and how do I know it in our lives. And what if I told you the answer is a heck of a lot simpler than we make it in this place? So we love you guys. Russ and I are super thankful for you again. If you can just hit the subscribe buttons, if you can share it on our social media accounts, if you can send it to a friend. We want people to ask honest questions because we believe honest questions deserve honest answers. We'll see you next week as we talk about the will of God. But until then, cucus out.