How Do I Find Freedom from Sexual Sin?

Sexual sin can leave us feeling trapped, ashamed, and wondering if freedom is even possible. In this episode, we talk honestly about the battle so many people face, why willpower alone will never be enough, and how Jesus offers real freedom—not just forgiveness. Whether you've been struggling for years or are trying to help someone who is, this conversation will point you to the hope, healing, and victory found in Christ.

Transcript

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So we have questions. What are questions that you have an ask? Because either the question is. Questions that we put in a list of people. Let's look at it together. Let's leave it. Let's go there. What's going on, Land of Podcasting, and welcome to what we like to call here in this podcast studio, Rinky Dink Podcast Studio, we might add. Let's go there. I almost forgot the name of our podcast. That's embarrassing, Russ the Bus. Speaking of Russ the Bus, I am live. Right now I'm live. To you, I'm not live. It's a Wednesday with Russ the Bus. My name is Ben Pucas, and I am your host. Speaking of Russ the Bus, let me guys give you a little bit of a background into Russ. Russ is not someone who loves to always talk about himself. Russ is also someone that can be a man of very few words. I just did an entire podcast. We do multiple podcasts at one time. We like to fool you guys, and I turn my hat backwards and I wear different sweatshirts here and there. But Russ's birthday is today. I did an in- I set up with him. We got everything going. We tested all equipment. We did an entire episode. Like we've already done an entire episode. And somebody texts me, I look at my phone, and they're like, today's Russ's birthday, isn't it? I was with this man for an hour and didn't even know that it was his birthday. He's turning 40 today. It is right now July 8th, which might be a little bit ruining for some people and thinking that we're not doing this live. I hope you guys don't think we actually do this live and on the day of. But today's Russ's birthday, and so there's no way for you to go back in time and wish him happy birthday. But if you forgot and didn't know it was his birthday, like I did for an hour and you feel silly, Russ would like for you to text him. I can give you his number right now. His number is 500. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not going to give you his number right now. But if you see Russ and you know Russ the bus, make sure you wish him a happy belated birthday because Russ, is it on social media? Is your birthday on social media? It is? Yeah, it is. Yeah, that's what happens when you don't have social media. And what's fun in this podcast today, you guys are going to know why I don't have social media and why I didn't know it was Russ's birthday today, because what we're going to be talking about today is something that is very near and dear to my heart. And it's actually something that has defined a lot of who I am today. And I want to just clarify before we get into this that if you're a parent listening to this with a kid, or if you're a kid under the age of 13, I just want to encourage you to tune off right now because uh we're going to be talking about some pretty PG 13 level things. And so if you're listening to that, I'm going to give you some time to be able to get off of that. But the question that we're going to be answering today, and I hope you even saw it in the title, Russ. I just realized there's a title, so hopefully they saw it. But uh the question we're going to be answering is how do I find freedom from sexual sin? Now, it's a question that I have learned in my time in ministry that people only ask if it's anonymous. Because people do not like to be assimilated and people do not like to be connected with being someone who is addicted to anything sexual, that is addicted to one night stands, that's addicted to pornography. I mean, this is a question that people feel very ashamed of. And so there may even be people listening to this podcast that you're hiding the phone when you're in public because you don't want people to think that you're listening to a podcast of how to find freedom with sexual sin. But this is what I want to say in the very beginning, before we even get into this, like this is the big idea that I want us to understand right now. First of all, when you look at the percentages of people that actually do struggle with an addiction to sexual sin of any kind, specifically pornography, man, that percentage is well above. This is very sad, especially with the Gen Z generation right now, is well above 65% of people. When you look at men, it's well above 75% of people. Like the statistics when it comes to sexual sin and sex addiction inside of the church is staggering. And those are only the people in those percentages that admit to having it. We're actually finding that there's a lot of people, and it's a growing percentage of people that are actually addicted to the things of the sexual things like pornography or one night stands or anything sexual, even like the books right now, like books are becoming a really big thing that people are addicted to, and people are hiding it, and people are living in isolation. So I believe that number is even higher. And this is what I want to say right now that if you are somebody that is listening to this podcast and you're a girl or you're a guy, any gender, because this is not a gender-related addiction, I want to let you know there is so much grace, there is so much mercy, there's so much love, and there's so much compassion. I'm somebody who is addicted to pornography for over 11 years of my life. A daily addiction to pornography for 11 years of my life. I know the darkness, I know the guilt, I know the shame, I know the desire to change, but the inability to do it. And I am sitting here in front of this camera, and I am not someone who's 100% fully healed that will never struggle with it again. But the person that I was at 22 is not the person that I am at 31. The amount of freedom, but more specifically, I think the key word, the amount of healing that I've been able to experience through my own addiction and through my own struggles with sexual things, man, is incredible. And what I'm gonna talk about today, it's not because I'm great, it's not because I'm strong, it's not because I'm a pastor, but man, it's because of the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me. And this is something I've done a lot of research in. This is something that I've experienced in my life, and I believe that if you are listening to this podcast right now and you are somebody who is currently addicted, that you are someone who is currently struggling and you don't want to, I want to say that there is very high potential for growth and healing in this, and there's 100% chance through the power of the Holy Spirit. So I'm excited to talk about this today. And what I want to start with is I think the model that the church gives is a really bad model because some of the things that can get communicated to people who struggle with sex addiction is just stop. Like just don't do it. Just put these filters on your phone and then just don't do it. And then we start sharing all these statistics about the amount of people who are in the porn industry that are actually sex slaves, and then they start throwing guilt and they start throwing shame. And then what starts to happen is we start to know all of these things and know how damaging it is to the brain, to know how damaging it is to the way that we view other people, how damaging it is to find secure attachment with other people, and then we start to feel really bad and we want to stop, but we still can't. And what I want to communicate right now is if you are struggling with sex addiction, if you're struggling with addiction of any kind, but specifically sex addiction, I want to say very specifically, you're not hopeless. It's not hard because you suck. It's hard because it's hard. And what can get communicated through the guilt and shame that the enemy wants to pour into us is we start saying things like, well, I just I I can't get over this addiction because I guess I just don't love Jesus enough. I guess I haven't listened to enough sermons. I guess I haven't read enough articles. I guess I haven't read enough books. I guess I haven't done enough uh reading in scripture. I'm not disciplined enough. I'm too dirty. And what I want to say immediately is I don't think it's hard because you suck. I'm gonna say it again. I think it's hard because it's incredibly hard because what we're actually learning is that sex addiction is actually one of the hardest addictions and is arguably the hardest addiction to ever overcome, even more than cocaine addiction. Cocaine addiction has always been known as the substance that is one of the hardest to kick. And what now sex addiction therapists have actually been able to walk with many sex addiction therapists. I started writing a book a few years ago before the church blew up and was doing all of this research on sex addiction because for me, I was sex addicted, and all I was getting was this behavior modification stuff. Like, don't do this and do this and don't do this and do this, and then here's the deal I was still addicted, I was still struggling, I was still falling. And I'm like, what is actually happening? And I started doing this research, and what sex addiction therapists started telling me is they're actually finding that it's more addictive than cocaine addiction. Because there's something that's inside of sex addiction that can be really tough. Now I'm gonna go into some science for a second, and I don't want to bore you guys, so I'm gonna I'm gonna brush over this really quickly. And so if you're a therapist listening to this, you're gonna be like, oh, you're not doing enough. Bro, we got 25 minutes to to dive into a really deep thing, but there the there's some chemical things in the brain that make sex addiction really powerful. And really the two the two chemicals that I want to talk about right now are oxytocin and dopamine. Now, I'm gonna go really quickly into this. Oxytocin is known as the bonding chemical. So one of the things you when oxytocin is released in the brain, it actually dumps inside of the brain. It actually bonds you to whatever you're looking at when the oxytocin releases. And one of the things that that oxytocin does is when a mother breastfeeds her baby, for both the mom and the baby, oxytocin is releasing while that is happening. And it legitimately bonds the baby to the mom and bonds the mom to the baby. It literally makes them feel like this. Dopamine is a high euphoric feeling, it's the reward chemical in the brain. So when you get dopamine rushes, there's this euphoric excitement, and what the brain is telling you to do, I like that, do it again. I like that, do it again. And for so many of us, like we get dopamine addiction through Instagram. Like we find a funny video and we laugh. What gets released? Dopamine. So what do we want more of? We want more funny videos. We keep scrolling. That's really where the trap is involved. There's a dopamine addiction trap that social media is taking advantage of because we just want all of this dopamine rushes all of the time. Now, when it comes to sex, when it comes to what happens when you release sexually, what gets dumped into your brain, actually, the highest amount of oxytocin that your brain can possibly dump at one time naturally is when you're releasing through a sexual experience. And when you release all of this oxytocin dumps into the brain, and when it's inside of the confines of marriage, let me tell you, it is one of the most beautiful things. Like I heard someone say the in a in a study that I was involved in when it came to sex addiction inside of the church. I actually love this study. It's called the Conquer series. This guy that's doing the series, he's this like psychologist, he studied the brain. He said it's literally the two will become flesh, two will become one flesh chemical inside of the brain. And he's telling husbands in this room, like people who are married, like legitimately, if you want to be closer to your wife, women, if you want to be closer to your husband, have sex with them. And when you have sex with them, you will legitimately healthy sex with them, I might, I might add. I think that's important for us to say because just because it's inside the confines of marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it's safe and it's good and it's healthy. But when you have healthy sex with your partner, the way that God designed it, literally you become more bonded with them because both parties are having oxytocin dump into their brain. And both parties are having high amounts of dopamine releasing in their brain as well. That's awesome inside of the confines of marriage. God is so cool. God's literally like, do you want to be closer to your wife? Do something really cool. Have sex with them. In fact, Paul tells husbands and wives, don't be apart from each other unless you're fasting so that the devil can't come in. Paul is telling husbands and wives, make sure you have lots of healthy sex with each other. God is telling us to have lots of healthy sex with each other inside the confines of marriage and you will be bonded to each other in a beautiful way. But this is the problem and this is the danger about sex addiction inside of the church. It's about sex addiction in general, is that when we're having sexual releases outside the confines of marriage in any way, whether it's with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or whether it's through a one-night stand, or whether it's through a 2D image that's standing in front of us, we are becoming bonded to things that we are not designed to be bonded to. And one of the biggest dangers is with pornography, because not only are we getting bonded to somebody, we're getting bonded to a 2D image of someone that actually doesn't exist in our lives. Somebody that doesn't actually exist, and what that does for secure attachment, I don't even have time to go into, but it is destroying our neuropathways. And really what's happening is we're becoming bonded to things that we cannot see. Because at the end of the day, intimacy is risky, people. Like one of the things that's so great about sex inside of marriage and healthy sex inside of marriage is that intimacy is hard. Relationship is hard, you're gonna hurt each other. But it's inside of a covenant of I'm not going anywhere. You hurt me, but I'm here. I'm pissed at you, I may walk out of the house because that was frustrating to hear, but man, I'm gonna stick in the ring with you. And then what God gives to husbands and wives inside of that riskiness is also riskiness and vulnerability inside of the sexual. And so we're creating secure attachment with people that we're not bonded to in that covenant of marriage, and unfortunately, we're finding secure attachment to our phones. And I'll tell you, we're russ, we gotta move, man. We got 12 minutes left. I mean, I and I'll say, like, the church hasn't always helped this. And the church has created that the church's solution to the epidemic that is sexual sin with the access to smartphones and how pornography has just become this legalized thing. It's a the largest industry in the world, uh, it's a super profitable business. Uh, is the church's response is purity culture. All right. Well, what the way we're gonna do this is we're gonna do purity rings, we're gonna do pledges, uh, we're gonna talk about people saving themselves. And then one of the frustrating things that Russ, if you can write this down for me, that would be awesome, is for us to talk about that it's not the woman's job to protect man's purity. That's what happened in purity culture. And I want to say this to you right now, women that are listening. It is not your job to protect a man's purity. It's the man's job to protect his purity. It is your job to be holy in the sight of the Lord. But and there's this tape analogy, I'll never forget this. Is part of purity culture in the church. I was in junior high, and this guy comes in to talk about, you know, healthy sex and save yourself from marriage, and sex is never good outside of marriage, which all those things are true. But he does this tape analogy, it's so freaking stupid. And he gets two pieces of duct tape, and he's like, This is what happens when you have sex with someone, and the two sticky pieces get put together. And he says, Now, inside of marriage, this is beautiful because you're one flesh. But then what happens when you break up? And he like rips the tape, and it like it's terrible, like it doesn't go back to the way it was. And what he does, I'll never forget this. I was in eighth grade, and the guy looks at the crowd and he holds it up and he says, and who would ever want this piece of tape back? And even as an eighth grader that's not following Jesus in the moment, I'm like, Well, that's stupid. Like that is so hear me say this. That is so anti-gospel because here's the problem with purity culture. Yes, I agree. Like, what purity culture does is like, don't do this because you're gonna get an S T D and who will ever want you after you have sex with somebody else? That is so anti-gospel. That is so anti-Jesus because what happens is so many people, because they haven't been trained rightfully in what healthy sex looks like, we're just told what not to do. We're not actually told what it is and why it's so important, is people do go outside the confines of marriage for sex, and there's all of these kids in junior high and high school and college who have sex, and then they go to church and they feel guilt and they feel shame and they feel dirty, and they feel like nobody will ever want them ever again, because who will ever want this piece of tape again? That is tragic, and that is so anti-Jesus, it's absolutely unreal. And I will say, like the gospel convicts, but there's forgiveness and there's compassion and there's grace. There's no grace in purity culture. There's guilt and there's shame. Because shame has never produced lasting freedom. What we need to understand about sex addiction is there's a reason why we keep running back. Like it's the behavior is a symptom, it's not the root. There's a reason why we keep running back to sexual things. There's a reason why our brains are telling us I need an oxytocin dump. Really, what's probably happening is there's probably a point in our lives where we don't feel connected. So, what's an easy way for us to feel connected? Pornography. Because what gets released is oxytocin. And here's the deal about our brains, our brains are just trying to help. Our brains don't know the difference between an oxytocin dump inside of marriage and an oxytocin dump inside of pornography. There's some pathways that are starting to get formed. But what we need to understand is like, and and and for me, like that's what I desire, I desire connection. And so when I feel tempted to run outside of the confines of marriage for some for something, it's because I don't feel connected in ways that I want to. And that's where community just comes in. Like, I I remember one time I was at the gym, and I here's the deal that I have struggled with community inside of this because I have wanted so badly uh to be free from this. And and I think I have always thought to myself that what I want is sobriety, and sobriety should never be the reason why we want to find healing. Because I had a sex addiction therapist tell me one time like, there's a lot of sober drunks out there. Sobriety is a good thing, but sobriety should not just be the only thing that we're searching for inside of addiction. It's not just not to do it. Because here's the deal behavior modification never healed anybody. Like, again, the behavior is a symptom, it's not the root. There's a root reason why we're running to these things. And when we continually just surround ourselves with all these boundaries and all of these systems in place to make us like, don't taste, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look. What happens is we get in this binge perch cycle. We binge, we don't do it for a long time, and then we're like, oh, we're like flexing really hard, we're like shaking because we want it so bad, and then we end up giving into it, and it's like two weeks of giving into it. Then it's like I'll never do it again, and it's a month of never doing it, and it's two weeks of doing it over and over and over and over again, and it's just not sobriety, should never be the what we want. Healing should be the main thing that we want because we should never want behavior modification, we should want identity level change. Now, identity level change is hard for us to understand because identity level change doesn't happen overnight. Identity level change takes years. In fact, what people say is it takes two to five years for identity level change to start taking place. And so, like for me, like what we need to understand is that real freedom requires new pathways. We need a new experience. We need to show our brain, hey, we need to, first of all, we need to process with our brain, what are you wanting right now? Because you're telling me you want pornography, you're telling me you want this one night stand, you're telling me you want me to go on Snapchat to do these things, but why? And and when we start figuring out why, we need to start figuring that out. For me, it was connection. And so what my therapist started to say is when you start feeling tempted, ask yourself why. 99 times out of a hundred, it was I don't feel connected to people. So she's like, show your brain you can feel connected outside of this. And when you start creating new pathways, what happens is that path starts to get beat down on the brain, and the brain goes, Oh, wait a second, there's something else that I can do so that I can find the connection that I'm desiring. Because that neuropathway is the same kind of neuropathway that happens when we're hungry. Hunger is not a physical response. Hunger is 100% in the brain. When our stomach gets to the point where it's empty enough, it sends a signal to the brain that then triggers us to tell us that we're hungry. The same thing happens in connection. When we're feeling like there's a lack of connection, it sends a signal to the brain that I want oxytocin. And because there's one pathway that we've used our whole life, our brain starts telling us, okay, run to pornography because this is the way to find it. But when we create another pathway, when it's like, man, I want to feel connected, so I'm gonna call a friend, I'm gonna call a family member, I'm gonna go for a walk with my dog. You can find oxytocin with animals, which is crazy. You can pet them and you can snuggle with them and you can play with them, and it actually triggers the same kind of oxytocin response. And so, what we need to start training our brain to do is we need to start training our brain to find a new pathway. And this is how community can be so important in our lives. And this is what I want to say about community as we're wrapping up right now. Listen to me when I say this. We have to stop when it comes to addiction, especially sex addiction, we have to stop making our community a police force to us. And I say this out of experience. The way I viewed community inside of my sex addiction is hey, I'm struggling, ask me about it later. Hey, I need to meet with you, I messed up. Hey, I messed up again, hey, I messed up again. And then I'd meet with community and they would listen to me and they're like, bro, there's no life there. And all every time I talked about sex addiction, it was in the negative, and I felt like I was asking my community to just beat me up every single time that I messed up. Now, does my community need to remind me where life is? Absolutely. They don't need to be like, it's fine, dude, it's cool. But I'll I'll give you an example of where this really started to shift for me. This is all very vulnerable for me, by the way. So just like bear with me in it, you know what I'm saying? Uh I was I was at the gym one day and there was a very pretty girl, and we made eye babies, I don't know what you call those when you look at someone and you like look at each other with this like intense passion. And she was beautiful and she was at the gym and she wasn't wearing a lot of clothes. And I just kept finding myself wanting to look over there. So I got my phone out and I was going to call a buddy of mine and say, Hey man, I need you to hold me accountable. And I'm I'm writing this this book at the time where I'm writing about not. Making community our police force. And I called him and I felt the Lord say, Don't make him a police force, make him the connection that you desire. And so I answered the phone. I asked him what he was doing. And he's a really good friend of mine. And I'll tell you this, we started laughing and joking. He made a joke, and I made a joke, and we're laughing. I'm at the gym just giggling like a little schoolgirl. And guess what? He at the end of the phone call, he goes, Why'd you call? And I forgot why I called. And I was like, What's crazy, dude, is I called because there's this girl, but you know, here's the deal, I don't feel that desire anymore. And I got off the phone with him, and he's like, I'll ask you about it later if that's cool. I was like, Yeah, guess what? I did not feel any desire to look over at that girl anymore. You know why? Because I wasn't desiring that girl. I was desiring connection. But what did I get with that phone call with my buddy? Connection. So guess what? My brain found a new pathway and went, that felt good. I'm not gonna try it's like when you're hungry. What happens when you put food in your belly? Your brain's not signaling that it's hungry anymore. I was desiring connection, my brain went, that's a way to find connection. And it was not healthy connection. And guess what? I found connection and it's like I had a meal, and I wasn't desiring that anymore. That is where community can come into play. And so, really quick, uh, do I believe that behavior modification is where we find healing? Absolutely not. It comes in identity level change, it comes in creating new pathways, and this is what I want to say right now. Uh that there are probably some people here listening to this podcast that can do some of these things, they can find connection, they can figure out what their brain really wants and they can surround themselves with community, but there's and they can do that and they can find healing. Because again, the the goal is not sobriety, it's healing. But I would say the majority of people that are listening to this podcast that have done all the things and they still cannot find healing, I just really want to encourage you in this. Um, I don't even want to run down the path of boundaries and all that. I think the best thing for you to do is to find a therapist. I'm a huge fan of therapy, Christian therapists. I would tell you that right now. This is a Christian podcast. I would find a Christian therapist because I would say there's probably some roots in your life that have not been healed. And until you go back to that root, the triggers are not going to go away. I will say one of the things that the Holy Spirit and the Lord has used in my life to heal me the most of my sin is therapy. And part of that is do I think behavior modification is healing? No, but there are things that I did. You know, I it's now been nine years where I have not had any internet or social media on my phone. I have passwords on my TV for Netflix, and people call me crazy, and people call me weird, and my friends send me articles, and I'm like, sorry, I can't read it. And it's annoying. But you know what? I needed that help, and I want to pray one day that as I continue to walk through healing and as I continue to walk into therapy, that I'll be able to find the healing enough that I can get that stuff back on my phone. But I'll tell you, I love not having internet on my phone because when I long for connection at 2 a.m. and everyone's asleep, I can't call my buddy. But do you know what? I have years, decades of a neuropathway that can go, I know how you can get a quick fix. And to me, it's just not worth it. But I do not think that the way that we can gauge if we have healing or not is in our sobriety or if we've done it or not. I think it's found in the way that we go back to the root and we start actually feeding our brain the desire that it has because God created us for connection. Our brain just has distorted it because the devil distorts things that are good. And so, what I want to say is that Jesus can heal what shame never could, Jesus can heal what purity culture never could, Jesus can heal what behavior modification never could. And so if you're listening to this podcast, I want to tell you there is hope. And I want to tell you, and I want to encourage you that if you are trying and you're doing all that you can and you don't seem to find healing, I really want to encourage you to find a therapist. I really want to encourage you to pray, to talk to the Lord about who you want to be connected to, and to tell you this too, freedom is possible, but you didn't get here overnight, so you're not going to be healed overnight. But I want to say that this does not have to be forever because what Jesus tells us is that when he comes into our life, that where who we are now does not have to be who we are tomorrow. And so if you're listening and you're exhausted from fighting, man, I want to tell you there is hope and there is healing. So thanks for listening to this podcast. I really feel like we just touched the very surface of this, even just wrestling through this right now. I think there's three or four episodes that we can tail off of this podcast as we talk about sex addiction. So thanks for tuning in. We will see you guys next week as we continue to answer the questions that are keeping you up at night. So thanks to Rust the Bus. Happy birthday, Rust. We love you here on this podcast. And so we'll see you next week. But until then, Pookus and Rust the Bus. Out